what does holistic mean to you?… not really the topic today

Happy Wednesday Y’all.

I am in this fierce place right now.  What I mean is, that for months I have felt stronger and stronger in my own space. Like Stronger!

For a little time it was unsettling, as I am assuming, all changes can be.  And on I went,   day by day feeling my way through the obstacles and challenges honestly assessing how I felt about each one, digging deep for my truth.  The knowing of what I want in all of it, the clarity that was happening as a result.  Meditation, time alone to process, feeling good, appreciation of all the joyous good in my life and the people in it, focus, oh my gosh the FOCUS on what is ahead instead of what is current or behind.

Purely transformational.

sea and sky horizon photo
Photo by Peter Brown on Pexels.com

So now here I am.

Still allowing the changes to occur.  Still flowing into this new space with as little resistance as I possibly can manage.  Seeing where my blocks are, and kindly, gently unblocking them.  Being gentle with myself. New territory, new paths are just that .. NEW and sometimes I stumble.  Only now I stumble lighter, with little or no negativity towards myself and my new awareness of my growing, expanding spaces.  This is me.  This is who I am and where I am today.

Tomorrow I will be different.  This I know.

I am on this path with fierce determination. Each day I gain a little more momentum, stand a little taller, expand a little easier, walk a little braver, speak a little gentler, judge much less, focus on what I want and am learning to just walk away from that which I do not, searching for the changes, embracing with great joy what is just right, searching for more, letting go of anything that doesn’t resonate, speaking carefully, following what feels good and right, appreciating it all, and trusting this new way of navigating.

Trust.

I feel fierce, yet, in a gentle way.

That does not seem to make sense in words.  If you were in my head maybe it would make sense to you too, maybe.  I am not sure fierce and gentle can be in the same feeling space.  Maybe fierce isn’t the best word but somehow it works. maybe “Fierce determination” is more accurate.

Doesn’t’ matter much anyway what word is chosen, except that I am trying to express something that I am just slowly coming to terms with myself.

This post is probably more for me anyways. 

It is my one hope here today though, that if you read this, and if you are reading this I am pretty sure universal laws brought you here, therefore it just might make sense to you as well.  If not, i’ll be returning to flowery goos soon.

So if you are here, it’s not by mistake, and if it stirs a little something in your inner being, then I am confident you are on this fierce path too.  Making sense of expansion, trying to wrestle with that inner nagging not quite a voice but that inner sense that something is off, and that there is something deep inside you that wants to break out and scream and breath real air for the first time ever, and exist on the outside of you instead of being stuffed deep inside.  I think that’s what this is all about.  FREEDOM, your own personal TRUTH, removing LIMITS.

That something, that I have lived with and known doesn’t have a name that I can tell, your inner being calling you, your truest nature?  your YOUness, your MUCHNESS is calling perhaps.  And now you know you cannot ignore her, you can try.  You can try and drown her out, you have for a very long time, with no real success,  you’ve just managed to quiet her down, appease her for a while, but she won’t be pacified for long Trust me!

TRUST ME

I am much muchier it seems to me and I like it. I LIKE IT A LOT NOW that I’ve met her. So much so that I feel gentle and fierce in the same space and I am not sure that is possible.  Fierce in the fact that this muchness is out and here to stay and if tomorrow she changes, I have given her the steering wheel.  Gentle in the fact that I have made peace with her.  There is no longer a battle, I surrendered.  I laid down the weapons  I had picked up.  Its just me battling me anyways and why would I do that?  That’s what I learned. That is what makes sense now. Im just battling myself.  STOP IT. jeez.  why do that?

For all the reasons we do.

fear.

I am gentle now with myself.  itsallgoodman.

I have nothing to prove, nothing to hide, nothing to fear, nothing to worry about, nothing to hate or resent, nothing.

Nothing.

Once again I had an idea to write some thoughts about living holistically and this is what came onto the screen, in a flash of a few minutes.  I know I was not driving this.  It just flowed out.  I needed to get this out of some deep place and here it is.

Remember where Herman Melville writes to his friend Nathaniel Hawthorne  “A sense of unspeakable security is in me this moment, on account of your having understood the book. I have written a wicked book, and feel spotless as the lamb”. . referring to Moby Dick…this is how I feel.   As a matter of fact I feel very similar to how poor ole Melville felt, writing to Nathaniel.

… that letter btw is eeerie to me, I feel like it’s HIS version of this post somehow. I feel like if we could sit and have tea together we could chat about this very topic and totally connect on that level.  sorry tangent…person holding fountain pen

Photo by John-Mark Smith on Pexels.com

Ive let her out, this much muchier inner me-ness.  She is Fierce. It took surrendering and gentleness to allow it to happen, it took ending a battle against myself, the world, the universe, all of it.  its over.  Im done!… well not done perhaps… I don’t mean that in the sense that there are no more challenges or things to do, or ideas to manifest and what have you.. I mean “done” in the sense that I am done with this inner battle with how I navigate my life.  I know what to do, I have known it for a verrrrry long time and I have dabbled, put my toe in the water, jumped in, jumped out, gotten down on myself for taking breaks, put my toe back in…

THAT is what I am done with.

I am really just tired of the dance. I am ready to just jump in the flow of it all and stop trying to steer against the current and beat myself up.  IM TIRED.  Im ready to just hop in my tube and float in the lazy river with my mojito, see what pops up,  maybe ignore the waterfall that’s about to ruin my hair, and let what is …. be .  Let what isn’t working go, let what can be…BE .  isoundcrazyiknowbutilikeit.

I am sending all my heart out to you all.  Whoever could or might be listening.  If you are hearing, feeling or sensing that little nag, don’t fight it, but you will.  YOU WILL. but don’t. its the only advice I can offer.  It is so much more painful when you do fight it. its all I know after years of wrestling with this.

Its the scariest, and most confusing journey of your life.  That journey of searching out “who am I… really?”

At the end you won’t really know.  That’s the bitch of it.  All you will know is you are and you are here and today you are this and tomorrow you might be that.. and its all good.

I’d just go with it.

but that’s just me (or is it)

🙂

*ahem* now hopefully back to flowers and such

xo

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